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i'd prefer to sit alone.

Updated: Apr 3, 2020

Name: Sarah Cogan Age: 27 years old Occupation: Musician @talliestheband Current Location: Toronto, ON

I actually started off high school with a bang. I thought I knew who I was. I had a solid group of friends. But, every summer I would go away to camp. And every summer that past I felt more and more distant. We didn’t share the same memories. Then, In grade 11 I cut my hair. It was terrible. I cried for days. It was after that that one day I woke up and something changed. I didn’t want to face the day. High school became a lot harder. And quickly it became the hardest year of my life.

I lost a lot of my confidence. I started to feel a lot of physical pressures and it became really hard for me be engage without thinking negatively about myself. So, eventually I stopped. I lost all of my friends. I don’t think they knew what was going on. And at the time, I played the victim which was lame. But, in that moment I really needed their extra support. And when I didn’t get it. I lost them.

I didn’t feel accepted. I think it was because I didn’t accept myself. My teenage anxiety kicked in and I fell into a depression. I stopped going to school, stayed in bed, failed Grade 12. I tried medication. Hated it. It made me feel so disconnected. I saw a psychologist. But, it wasn’t helpful. I didn’t actually end up pulling through until college but it wasn't instantly. I dropped out initially but then took a chance on the music program. I met a lot of great people. I started writing and playing a lot more. I found my sound. It really changed my life.

It’s funny how one thing can feel so important in the moment like the end of the world. But looking back all you can do is laugh. But that’s growing up. Sometimes it comes back. But all I can do is ignore it and focus my time and energy on those that matter. The ones that are going to last. Because there’s still times where I find myself envious of people that have longterm child hood friendships. I think I romanticize the idea because I always wondered about how things could have been. But, maybe everything happens for a reason. And if all that didn’t happen to me maybe I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am today.

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