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twisted sense of self.

Updated: Apr 3, 2020

Name: Emily Pope Age: 24 years old Occupation: Film Location: Toronto, ON

My biggest struggle is how hard I am on myself; and how this has manifested into feeling as though I am never enough.

I constantly crave more, and doing better; so everything leads me to wanting what’s next. The lack of any satisfaction puts me in a limbo between depression and anxiety. This twisted perspective leaves me feeling guilty. It creeps up in waves - like feeling guilty about not being successful enough or making enough or being the best. This guilt is what I have a really hard time managing. Narratives such as “who do I think I am?” or “wow that’s terrible you should have made something better!” run on repeat in my mind. However, recently, I realized that the only person that has these crazy expectations for me… is well, me… (but the twisted narratives feel real all the same)

There’s this illusion about my life like “Oh, Emily you got your shit together, you’ll be fine”, which hey, is probably true, but I can’t see it. The view from the outside is that I’ve done so much for my age, that I’m talented (typing this is making my skin crawl)… and I wish I could see and feel what other people see in me. I am on the cusp of losing it from the “you’ll be fine perspective” because inside, my head is a mess, which I don’t show to many (if any). It literally feels like there is never a time or a place where it is okay for me not to be okay. I heard a quote recently that really stuck, “These last few days are among the happiest I've ever ignored.” So, with that, I’m in the process of being kinder to myself… and hopefully through that I can find a bit of peace, happiness and focus on the good.

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